Rapture FAQs, Part 1

Many of you have asked for advice surrounding Harold Camping’s scientific conclusion that the Rapture is coming this year. I will be doing my best to guide you through the End of Days in the coming weeks. Please feel free to keep the questions coming!

Q. Is the world going to end on the 21st of May?

A. No, absolutely not, although depending on your peer group, a lot of your friends are going to stop answering the phone. Be happy for them, for they will have been swept up and will be in a cloud with Jesus. This is because God loves them already and doesn’t want them to suffer during the Tribulation.

For those Left Behind, there will be seven years until Jesus comes back, which will be something to look forward to. You can repent at any point during this time and join the party in the cloud. This is an option to consider if you care about your pets:

Q. If I am Left Behind, should I be worried?

A. Well, yes and no. There are many complex aspects to this whole end of the world scenario.

For example, if President Obama disappears, it means that he is indeed a righteous man and the LBs, presumably led by Sarah Palin, will have to deal with Armaggedon without him. This is ok with me, because if he disappears then it is more likely that I will go up there with him, along with a significant proportion of my social circle, including mother and her closest friends:

On the other hand, while daddy is a Democrat, no one who has ever made his acquaintance has any doubt that he is a no-hoper for the Rapture. This would be a big source of worry for mother, who will spend all of her time fretting about him, thus spoiling all of my fun at the cloud party with Jesus and Barack.

Meanwhile, Junior is an atheist, so he’s not going anywhere and he doesn’t even know how to work the washing machine. It gives me a certain amount of pleasure to imagine the expression on his face when he realises that I have left him in America with his grandad, Sarah Palin and a hamper full of dirty clothes.

Now, let’s consider an alternative possibility. If the President is still here on the 22nd of May, it might mean that he is a decent enough chap, but that he has told a white lie about the giving-up-the-cigarettes-for-good thing. We could all cut him some slack if he has fallen off the wagon, especially considering the speed of developments in the Middle East.

Worryingly, though, it might mean that he is the Antichrist, and that is going to be a big problem for those of us who voted Democrat in 2008.

See, I told you it was complicated.

© Copyright 2011, Southern Dysfunction

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6 Comments

Filed under Church

6 responses to “Rapture FAQs, Part 1

  1. Whew! I’m relieved. My two redbones are heathens like me, but I worry about my bird dog who is incredibly pious. Then again. . . I can get along without him.

    • Hmmm… I hadn’t thought about the dilemma of a virtuous pet with sinning owners, but now that I think about it, I know an awful lot of pets in that situation. What Denomination is your dog? I think that this is crucial. My understanding, for example, is that Unitarian pets can be Raptured, but that regular Church of Christ pets cannot.

  2. You have adressed many of my concerns. I feel much better now! If I am left behind, I promise to help Jr. with the laundry.

  3. Were I a Rapture-ready christian, I would be a bit worried about leaving my pet with a network of non-christians. Perhaps a better option is a kind of four-legged Gospel Mission, like what that chap Noah did.

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