Turkey Shoot

I hope that y’all can accept my apologies for going quiet for a few days, but it has been a busy weekend here in Nashville. Each year, the National Wild Turkey Federation holds its convention at the Opryland Hotel and Convention Center. It goes on for four days and there is a lot to absorb.

I knew I had to take Junior there. Being raised in Europe, he never learned to handle a gun and this is a big black hole in his education that I feel guilty about. Like most people, I learned to shoot a rifle at summer camp when I was eight years old. But we just did not have those opportunities in inner London when he was growing up.

Besides, as my friend Steve told me, ‘Hon, pay attention. You are single. Every straight man in the southeast is going to be there. Pull yourself together. We are all so worried about you.’

And he was so right! I am definitely going to take up hunting:

Can I have your phone number?

Junior thought they were gay dads, but I explained to him that there was no such thing in Tennessee

Not sure about the hat, but according to the box I will never have chigger bites again!

True, there were some guys I wasn’t so sure about:

I am SO OVER the Dukes of Hazzard

Can't quite put my finger on it, but the chemistry is just not there

Junior thought the whole thing was surprisingly cool. For example, did you know that you can attach an iphone directly to a gun, so that you can make a film of your hunt? Seriously!

Not everything was as easy to understand, however. Neither of us could figure out the basis for judging in the taxidermy competition. First prize this year for ‘most artistic entry’ was awarded to a religiously themed display. I mean, the bird is good-looking, but the scripture doesn’t even make sense in this particular context.

What? Is the turkey going to talk? Do magic tricks?

Both of us agreed that first prize should have been awarded to this instead:

Ok, for my overseas readers, I had better explain. It is an American college ‘football’ themed display, pitting two turkeys against one another, the orange one representing the University of Tennessee, the Crimson one, the University of Alabama. Is that clear? No? Well, basically you have a monument to the brilliant combination of hunting and competitive sports, in the medium of taxidermy.  Still not getting it? Think Turner Prize crossed with Deliverance. Better? No? No? OK, let’s just forget it.

© Copyright 2011, Southern Dysfunction





Filed under Sports

2 responses to “Turkey Shoot

  1. The Bearded Iris

    OH MY GOOD GRAVY! What an experience! Those pictures are priceless. Love the Dukes of Hazard shot. I hope you and Junior had a wonderful time and that you found the hunter/taxidermy aficionado of your dreams.

  2. Sadly, not yet. But I am really getting into the whole thing. Apparently I have to decide what kind of animal I want to specialise in killing, and I am still thinking about that one…

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